Friday, September 19, 2008

Drastic Measures...

This, is a zebra.

This, is cake.

This, is a kid with a bazooka.

What do these three things have in common?

Well, folks, it all has to do with a little girl named Debbie.

Just look at her. That fashionably retro bonnet. Those prematurely groomed and arched eyebrows. The practical flannel shirt suggesting she's just another blue collar lumberjack. But perhaps we should find out what exactly Little Debbie has been up to all of these years.

You're not fooling anyone, Debbie. We know what you've been up to. You've been busy, Debbie. Busy working overtime, manufacturing the Devil's Snackcakes!

Yes, Zebra Cakes. They are moist, creme-filled, vanilla-iced, and apparently, they are pure evil.

They are my sugary, chocolate-striped kryptonite.

They are delicious. Perhaps a little too delicious.

It might be a little wrong to find this next story funny, but I do. Mostly because it's true. But, I said it when I was six, and I'll say it again: You just don't f*ck around with a girl's Zebra Cakes. You just don't do it.

"Girl, 9, Threatens To Kill Classmate Over Zebra Cakes

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- Even the mother of the girl who was threatened said she can't get a copy of the note, but she did get to read it. In a police report she said another girl talked about having a gun and wanting to kill her daughter.

"The note said 'I have a gun and first I'm going to shoot you in the shoulder,'" said Cindy Landfair, mother of the girl who was threatened.

From one nine-year-old girl to another, the note continued. "...Then you're going to shoot me back with a bazooka, but you're gonna miss..."

Cindy Landfair said a note to her daughter from a classmate at Southwood Elementary School went too far. "...And then I'm going to shoot you back and kill you..." the note continued.

"I was shocked. I was terrified," Landfair said.

The girl's mother said it all started over snacks. Her daughter traded her 'zebra cakes' for a bag of chips. But when the other girl wanted both for herself, the mother said that's when she wrote the threatening note.

It happened during an after school program run by the YMCA. They suspended the girl who wrote the note, but Landfair said school officials won't tell her whether they've done the same and will only say they're handling the matter internally.

"I don't know anything at this point. The school is basically leaving me in the dark," Landfair added. Landfair, whose daughter has a different last name, said she may pull her kids out of the school even though authorities couldn't find a gun and don't believe there was a crime committed. When asked if she thought she was being an over-protective mother, Cindy Landfair responded. "Yes, I do, but I only have one daughter and she's not replaceable" she said.

School district administrators contacted the sheriff's office. The district said it's considering how the girl who wrote the note should be disciplined.

Copyright 2008 by All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed."

Wow. These crazy youngsters have so much to learn. First of all, there is no way to fit a bazooka in your backpack. But even if you could, come on, it's pretty hard to miss with a bazooka. And I'm fairly sure that the commotion of the shot would at least give you enough time to regain the upper hand. But most importantly, I think the lesson to be learned here, is the principle of the barter system. Only on Mars or in some alternate universe would receiving chips for zebra cakes be a fair trade. I don't blame this little girl for her irrational threats of violence, or for her ill-advised weapon of choice. I blame her for being being a terrible negotiator, and an easy mark.

Listen, kids. The only thing you trade cake for, is money. To buy more cake. It does not matter the brand, how hungry you are, if the chips are kettle-cooked, how nicely the person asks, or if you think you can take 'em during recess. Cake is your trump card, your golden ticket, your Full House (I'm talking poker, not Mary Kate and Ashley). Keep that in mind before you whip out your weapons of mass destruction. And DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT come between a woman and her snackcakes.

I'm telling you, that Little Debbie is one crafty, irresistable bitch.

Enjoy it while you got it, my sweet little siren.

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