Role Playing

There are times you wish to pluck yourself out of your own life, similar to grabbing the remote control and changing the channel when a sitcom is too boring, confusing, out of control, or when the made-for-TV movie becomes utterly terrifying. Maybe the picture is scrambled or you can see nothing but static.



And so you vie with yourself for the ideal vantage point; simply observing from the outside-in, withdrawn at a safe distance. You desperately need to see yourself as a character instead of the ill-fated antagonist of your own life. It’s an enticing notion to be a star, a villain, or a hero, when there are no strings attached. Thirty minutes. Sixty minutes. One hundred twenty minutes. The credits roll and you change costumes, transform personas; attain a new back story and a fresh handful of tragic flaws.



Unfortunately, no, in reality this is impossible. Instead, you’re left sunk into the couch cushions, curled up into a trembling little ball and trying to watch the frightening parts through your fingers; or fighting back tears during those sad scenes so that no one will be the wiser. Absolutely helpless in watching your own desolation and the heartbreaking scenes where people usually empathize, sniffle, and hold each other. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Everything is fine.

You have to develop this willing suspension of disbelief to make it through the occasions when all elements are appearing to fall into pieces. Sharp and serrated, all points, corners and edges. You get kicked enough when you’re down and you either have to end the show or create a turning point in the plotline. Everyone loves the underdog and they worship the martyr. Sometimes it’s important to remember that the underdog may get beat and broken, but the martyr always dies.

Chemistry 101.

If you ever go to see a (licensed) therapist or psychologist, they will probably give you a chemical use survey. This is not referring to whether you treat your lawn for fire ants, own a bunsen burner, highlight your hair, or try to minimize your pores.

Instead, it will ask if, when, and how often you use/consume the following:

Tobacco
Alcohol
Marijuana
Cocaine/crack
Inhalants
LSD
Prescribed Pills
Caffeine

Whoa, nothing gets by you! Yes, that says caffeine. It is considered a chemical, and an addictive one at that. I'll say one thing, if I ever become a crackhead and find myself in rehab sitting next to a coffee junkie, I'll punch him square in the face.





I've had 5 shots of espresso today and I'm still tired. I guess I have a chemical dependency. I'm addicted to lattes and cappucinos. Lock me away.

Are these people kidding?

No, really...are they kidding?

Girls, Women, People...Interrupted.

After watching the movie Girl, Interrupted for the Nth time, a few questions came to mind. Well, the first is more of a statement, which is how much I miss Angelina Jolie before she had 17 babies and stopped being a badass, i.e. became a blonde news reporter in Life or Something Like It. I think I actually cried tears, real tears, after watching that senseless, cliche, and awfully scripted waste of talent. She had so many breakthrough roles, took chances on being an outsider, and being different. The passion she put into those roles really showed on screen, managing to take even mediocre movies and make them compelling.

That being said, I truly love Girl, Interrupted; especially the way in which it tests boundaries, allows for characters to broken and unapologetic. But these people are incredibly likeable, seductive despite their demons, and similar to the novel (a true story) that it was based on, there aren't happy endings; and everyone's loose ends weren't always tied. It leaves you questioning humanity and its intricacies, its eccentricities; the way it lives, breathes, lashes out like a wild animal struggling to survive.

So many doctors still disagree and argue about the concept of mental illness. They found the movie controversial, stereotypical. But you can't take everything at face value, I took this movie for all of its themes, bare portrayals and ideas.

Not to mention Angelina Jolie acted her ass off!

I guess maybe the reason that I enjoyed this movie so intensely is because I've had personal experiences with many people with mental disorders, addictions, and social problems. Sometimes you struggle with the notions of responsibility, blame, misunderstanding, and that's what makes us human. It makes all of the other problems in the world seem so black and white, seem too immense or too small. It is tragic, but it is also reality. People can be so intriguing and yet so damaging.

Due to my melancholy mood, I decided to revisit the movie, fall in love with Angelina all over again, and pay homage to her fantastic performance with a few of my favorite lines:


Susanna: [narrating] Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you had the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.

Lisa: You think your free? I'm free! You don't know what freedom is! I'm free. I can breathe. And you... will choke on your average fuckin' mediocre life!


Susanna: What the fuck are you doing Lisa?
Lisa: Playing the villain, baby, just like you want. I try to give you everything you want.
Susanna: No you don't.
Lisa: You wanted your file, I found you your file. You wanted out, I got you out. You needed money, I found you some. I'm fucking consistent! I told you the truth! I didn't write it down in a fucking book! I told you to your face. And I told Daisy to her face - what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself. And I played the fucking villain, just like you wanted.
Susanna: Why would I want that?
Lisa: Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea.



Georgina: Lisa? Is Daisy really getting out? Lisa: Yeah, she coughed up a big one.
Susanna: But how could - I mean she's... insane.
Lisa: Yeah, well that's what ther-rape-me's all about. That's why fuckin' Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall. He created a fuckin' industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you're saved. Ka-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin' you free. Susanna: But what if you don't have a secret?
Lisa: Then you're a lifer, like me.


Lisa: You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- there's way too many just begging to be pressed. They're just begging to be pressed, you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed. And it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead!
Susanna: Because you're dead already, Lisa!





Valerie: Did you enjoy the fresh air Lisa?
Lisa: Yeah I did Val. Thanks.
Valerie: Good, 'cause it's the last time you're leaving the ward.
Lisa: Is that a dare or a double dare?


Susanna: [reading from a book] "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex."
Lisa: I like that.
Susanna: "Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed." [pauses] Susanna: Well that's me.
Lisa: That's everybody.


Lisa: We are very rare and we are mostly men.
Janet: Lisa thinks she's hot shit cause she's a sociopath.
Cynthia: I'm a sociopath.
Lisa: No, you're a dyke.


Lisa: Take one fuckin' step and I'll jam this in my aorta. [aiming a pen at her neck]
Valerie: Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.
Lisa: Good to know.


Ah, the simple beauty of it all. Well, on a side note I looked up a 'diag-nonsense' of Borderline Personality Disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), it is this:

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone."

I don't know about you, but this sounds just like me on my period!


I just think all of these doctors need to stop medicating people and start listening. A good dose of Klonopin will put you to sleep, but when you wake up, things are exactly the same. Being bored, empty, or unsure is not an appropriate reason to pull out a prescription pad. Sometimes we all go a little crazy.








End rant, remove soapbox.




(Angelina, I heart you.)