Simple, obscene, but true.

Obviously, at this point, the nation is quite abuzz with the upcoming election and all that politico jazz. I'm not a fan of politics by any means, but I am an avid connoisseur of knowing what the hell I'm talking about (even if just for the sake of argument), especially in the face of ignorance, and also when I begin to fear that the outcome will eventually mess up my day. I have observed all of these red-faced politicians, campaigners, and supporters with their disdainful shaking fists and angry retorts. So I figure, why not pick up a newspaper and join in on the fun. And so I did. I think I've basically covered all of the non-sarcastic, non-cynical, completely serious and genuine, opinionated banter that I can stomach for the moment. Today, I simply want to send a message to all of those disenchanted, uninformed tantrum-throwers who feel the irrepressible need to rant about issues that they don't understand and defend/advocate people they know nothing about. Ahem...cue video please:









Thank you. Please remember America: Read a book, raise your kids, drink water, brush your teeth and wear deodorant! Now go Google something. The prosecution rests.



In an effort to keep my nose clean (hi mom!), I posted the censored version. For all of those expletives you and I love (they really hammer the point home, that's all), go here.

I heart Heart.

If during John McCain's Presidential acceptance speech, you didn't...

a) Lapse into a coma

b) Get so irritated with the chants of "U-S-A!" that you moved to another country

c) Mute the television for fear of hearing the words "maverick" or "tortured" for the seven-thousandth time

d) Become hospitalized after your brain spontaneously combusted due to bullsh*t overload

e) Fall into a hypnotic trance listening to McCain's droning monotone

f) Call an exorcist to cleanse your soul after staring too long into Sarah Palin's eyes

g) Develop debilitating arthritis from trying to jot down notes for every time McCain stuttered, lied, twisted the facts, became vague or ambiguous, and made no sense whatsoever

h) Go punch a Republican in the face

i) Turn the channel to something that would not later be deemed a waste of 40 minutes of your life

j) Ask a friend to repeatedly box your ears so you would never have to hear John McCain speak...ever again

k) Take an entire bottle of sleeping pills in the hopes that you would wake up and this will all have been a terrible nightmare

l) Go completely insane and get bussed to an asylum where you are now undergoing shock therapy

m) Run to donate large sums of money to your local senior citizens' nursing home

n) Pledge your life in a blood oath to keep the McCain/Palin ream-team out of the White House

o) Do anything and everything possible with the intention of not seeing the celebration at the conclusion of the Republican National Convention, by any means necessary and no matter what it took, even if it took injuring yourself, others, or setting your own house on fire

...Then you would have missed the song "Barracuda," by Heart, playing in the background as Gov. Sarah Palin and her cohorts took the stage for the theatrical (and stupid) balloon drop finale. The song was chosen in (dis)honor of Palin, who was apparently called "Sarah Barracuda" or "Barracuda Sarah" or some other ridiculous combination of those two words, when she played basketball in High School.

First, let me remind Mrs. Palin, as well as the general public, that she is 44-years-old. When I played basketball in high school, they called me "Silky." Somehow, I feel that is now an inappropriate nickname. In fact, I have to say that most nicknames are inappropriate when you enter in a race TO RUN THE FREAKING COUNTRY. I could really care less what the cool kids called her when she was sixteen, starting her period and discovering boys!

I heard more about this ludicrous "Barracuda" reference, than what the Republican Vice Presidential nominee plans to do if (oh, please no, for the love of God, no!) elected into office.

I personally love Heart, and I was almost more offended by the use (or should I say piracy) of their classic song, than the dozens of distasteful quips and low-brow remarks that were made during Palin's acceptance speech the night before.

And apparently, so was Heart:

"The sister act behind "Barracuda," the song used by the McCain-Palin campaign at the RNC because Palin's old nickname was "Sarah Barracuda," is none too pleased that their pro-woman anthem is being used in this way. Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart sent a cease and desist letter to the McCain campaign, and since they continued to use the song, Nancy Wilson sent an angry letter to Entertainment Weekly, tearing Sarah Barracuda a new one. "I feel completely f*cked over," said Nancy Wilson, before releasing the following statement: "Sarah Palin's views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women. We ask that our song 'Barracuda' no longer be used to promote her image. The song 'Barracuda' was written in the late 70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women. (The 'barracuda' represented the music business.) While Heart did not and would not authorize the use of their song at the RNC, there's irony in Republican strategists' choice to make use of it there."

Thank you, Ann and Nancy, for challenging 'the maverick reformers," who are apparently too consumed with themselves to respect ownership and licensing rights.

Another beautiful touch of irony, however, is that although Heart has not so subtley requested that their song not be exploited by the Repugs, the lyrics fit just about perfectly with the right-wing campaign:

"You're lying so low in the weeds
I bet you're gonna ambush me
You'd have me down, down, down, down on my knees
Now wouldn't you, Barracuda?
If real thing don't do the trick,
No, you better make up something quick
You gonna burn, burn, burn, burn, burn it to the wick
Ahh, Barra- barracuda!"

Stick to caribou, Sarah, you still aren't Hillary, and even Heart doesn't heart you!


Ahhhhhh! She's gonna eat us all!!! Please don't let me become an ingredient in moose stew!!

Barra-Barracuda!!!!

WTF?

Oh joy, the Republican National Convention...



"Country First"?

Seriously, what does that ridiculous slogan even mean? As opposed to Country Last?? Country Second? Is there some undercover party that has been preaching Country Fifth? Last I checked (which was an hour ago), putting the country first is just about the only thing we all agree upon. What do these GOP meatheads think America wants? We've been asking for Country freaking First all along! These people should have taken the blue pill. Get real.

Politickin'...

Ordinarily, I'm not one to talk politics. But I was literally shocked and dismayed (but a little excited for Obama) when John McCain announced his running mate earlier today. This morning he introduced first-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential hopeful, a surprising selection, to say the least. My best guess is that this plan was designed to get an edge in the race by appealing to women, and also trying to deter from the fact that he's 106 years-old and will be lucky to complete a full term should he happen to be elected.

"She's exactly who I need. She's exactly who this country needs to help me fight the same old Washington politics of 'Me first and country second,' " McCain declared. Funny that he is now claiming to be fighting against 'the same old Washington politics," considering he's stood tall behind just about every Bush vote and decision (each of which sent the U.S. spiralling further down into the toilet).

Palin, 44, the first Republican woman on a presidential ticket, stated, "I'm going to take our campaign to every part of our country and our message of reform to every voter of every background in every political party, or no party at all." That's an interesting promise for a Governor in a state with more reindeer than people. I certainly hope it's not like father like daughter, as Palin's dad has declared, "I'd rather go moose hunting than be involved with politics."

I don't know whether to be insulted by this blatant attempt to woo the female vote, or repulsed by the I'm-a-former-beauty-queen-and-you-could-easily-be-my-daddy Republican dream team. When it comes down to it, McCain is just a dirty old man, divorcing his crippled wife for a wealthy Junior Miss Rodeo Queen, and then picking Miss Alaska as his running mate. What a scumbag, and definitely not the man to be running this country. He'll probably dump America after two years for a younger, richer country.

McCain has made his decision public just six days after Barack Obama named Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware, as the other half of the Democratic ticket. Obama, 47, picked a 65-year-old running mate with long experience in government, foreign policy, and a man whom he said was qualified to be president. On his 72nd birthday, McCain chose a woman younger than two of his seven children, who has five young children of her own (ranging from 5 months to 19-years-old), who until recently was the mayor of small-town Wasilla, Alaska (population 9,000), has zero experience with foreign policy and has been governor less than two years.

The Obama campaign asked the most obvious and immediate question: is Sarah Palin prepared to step in and be President? Can America really be confident enough enough to say yes? I know I'm not.

In my opinion, McCain definitely dropped the ball here, which is only an advantage to the Democrats. The Republican party leaders will stand behind him of course, shifting in their seats as they try to dance around the topics of inexperience, foreign policy, and readiness to lead a nation (not a Caribou hunting tundra). Obama has been criticized repeatedly for lack of experience, and as such he brought more to the table with Biden. What in the world is McCain bringing? Beauty? A relative mystery? A woman with a growing family and children who still need her? Hmmm...I'm not sure what this will translate into for the coming campaigns. Will it help Obama? Did McCain have another 'Senior Moment'? America, you be the judge.

Barack the Vote!

Let's All Take it Down a Notch.

I can't stand people who take themselves too seriously. There, I said it. I'm an adult, not a very good one, but sane enough to realize that there are times to be somber, rational, defensive, complacent, offensive, accepting, open-minded, opinionated, adamant, etc. And then there are times to laugh, especially at yourself; even moreso at me. If you don't have the ability to do that, I urge you to please withdraw yourself from any and all conversations I am involved in, or might happen to stumble across. Because disagreeable, argumentative people contribute daily to the possibility that my head might actually explode.

Three-quarters of what comes out of my mouth is sarcasm, and purely in fun. Write that down. I try not to make time to be angry about trivialities. Ignorance is not synonymous with stupidity (or hostility), more often it refers to being uninformed, uneducated, or unaware. Frankly, I don't see a rhyme or reason for wasting the energy of a negative emotional response on someone who just doesn't know what they're talking about. If you want to fight ignorance, write an essay, teach a class, recommend a helpful textbook, but try stepping down off the high horse for a second and smelling the freaking roses. I don't need an introduction to some facet of anyone's inner angst on a continuous basis.

Fighting should be completely reserved for people with whom you will have just as much passion finding a resolution.

That being said, there are a few things that I refuse to talk about with people whom I know have or may have differing opinions. Politics. Religion. Race. These are hot button issues and the fact is that people do not simply discuss these issues, they debate them. They debate, they assert, they argue, and eventually someone gets offended and/or says something unnecessary. The last thing I want is love lost on what in the greater scheme of things, doesn't really matter. Make love not war, people. Please, please don't make me bring that slogan back. I have enough trouble not being a complete idiot, thanks.




The next time I sense an argument being intiated, I will stand up, clear my throat, and smile. I'm sure at this juncture, my companions will begin wondering why I'm standing, at which point I will say:

"Ahh, forget about it, let's go get some ice cream!"

You see how that works? Ice cream is the ultimate trump card. Besides, being angry gives you wrinkles, frowning tires out your face, and shouting strains your vocal cords. Not to mention you might get slapped. I choose agree to disagree, let's shake hands and pat eachother on the butt. Nice call, friend. Nice call.

Everyone loves a happy ending, and I love Javachip. So remember, If I tease you, yell at you, point at you and laugh... it's only love...just call me a bitch and eat your ice cream.

I feel better already:)