Monday, July 21, 2008

Lions, Tigers and Roosters, Oh My!

I don't know how or why, but somehow these are running wild in downtown Miami:

 No, not miniature cowboys.  Roosters!  And okay, not giant roosters, but roosters nonetheless.  I pass them everyday as they're crossing the road like ducks near a pond with their little ducklings.  Only we aren't near a pond, or a barn, or anything of the sort.  It is the middle of high traffic streets chock full of city busses and skyscrapers.  I personally find it absurd, but what else is Miami for?  I'm sure sooner or later the ASPCA will start hauling them off to animal shelters for adoption.

Help control the pet population, please have your chickens spayed or neutered.

So, as some beautification project the city put up all of these decorative rooster statues in Little Havana, aka not a place that will respond well to beautification.  Needless to say, soon enough all of the statuesque roosters were vandalized and otherwise effed up in general.  Pictured above is one of the few still in tact.  The authorities have cited that "Some say the roosters were targeted by drug dealers who thought the birds were secret agents of the police."

Brilliant!  Next in breaking news, Squirrels: obsessive compulsive rodents, or government informants?  You be the judge, those aren't just nuts they're hiding!

As always, Miami never ceases to amaze.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Case of the Lost Inhibitions

The elevator in my apartment building has always been an awkward place for me, mostly because my neighbors seem to be unaware of the unspoken rules of elevator ettiquette. You are travelling in a small metal box for anywhere from 15 seconds to a entire minute or more, which, can often feel like an eternity. Thus, depending on the situation, some of the rules can be bent (for example, do you say goodbye when you get to your floor, or just get off), but there are just certain things you do NOT do. And these certain things become all the more important when there are only two people.

The following is a brief recap of my experience in said elevator, and the rules that were broken:

I got on the elevator and could hear a man coming around the corner chatting away. I thought there was another person with him, but alas, no it was a cell phone. First rule broken, it is suuuper annoying when you have to hear the idiot on the cell yelling 'hello? hello? can you hear me? hello?' No they can't hear you, we're on a freaking elevator, end the call already!

He was so preoccupied stepping into the elevator while jerking around with his phone that he had failed to press a floor button, meaning he had also failed to turn back around to face the doors. Next rule broken, you don't stand face to face in an elevator with people you don't know. It's just plain weird.

So we're standing there, him staring at me, me pretending to check my bag for absolutely nothing, and he asks 'so, where are you from?' I look around stupidly, but obviously he is speaking to me and not my imaginary sidekick. The thing about Miami, is that when people ask you where you're from, you never know if they mean city, state or country. So when I replied, 'actually, I'm from Virginia,' he looked at me, puzzled, repeated 'Vir-hin-ya,' paused, and then said 'America?' I nodded yes, proceeded to keep faux-searching through my bag. Another rule broken, 15 seconds to 1 minute is not enough time to make new friends, this is not a bar, and you did not buy me a Martini.

I cleared my throat, and he eagerly asked what I said, to which I replied, 'nothing.' Another rule and note to strange man: silence is okay, no need to force it! You really don't have to converse with me.

So, after seemingly an eon (I only live on the 2nd floor), we arrived in the lobby. As he held the door open, there was the only rule he didn't break, you always let the ladies out first:)

Upon returning to my apartment after my fun in the elevator, I decided to order Chinese Food. All I wanted was General Tso's chicken, maybe some wonton soup.

I gave the lady on the phone my order, and she paused for a few seconds. She came back on the line and told me way too much information, i.e. this:
"Sorry, it's just, I'm drinking this tea, it's hot tea. But not the regular kind, it's called healthy liver function or something like that. It's for my liver, you know, it's messed up from all of the alcohol. At first I thought it was just my stomach, but then I had pain on the other side. I know it's from partying 3 days in a row. I wasn't supposed to drink last night, but then I went to the casino, so you know how that is. And afterwards my friends took me to a strip club to watch the IFC fight, and I mean, you pay a cover and then get 2 free drinks. Two free drinks? I was like hell yeah, bring 'em on. But anyway, now my liver kinda hurts, so I'm drinking this tea, and it's making me so hot. It isn't even really that hot ouside today, but now I'm sitting in front of a fan, which I probably shouldn't, because my mom told me that's how you catch a cold. You know, the change of temperatures and everything, going from warm to cool. I just hope this tea helps my liver...okay, so that's gonna be $12.85, cash or credit?"
I'm not even joking, the only words I managed to get in during her monologue were 'yeah,' 'right,' and 'oh.' Perhaps I'm just a great conversationalist, a wonderful listener, a friendly face, or all of the above. But really, elevator man, chinese food lady, next time I'd rather just get to my floor and pay for my egg roll in peace.
Thank you. Come again.

Say It Ain't So...

So the latest grind from the rumor mill is speculating that Star Jones (or her thinner, creepier mini-me) is dating Dwayne Wade.

My mouth dried, I was speechless.

Am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton? Come out now please, this isn't funny anymore...I'm getting scared..

At any rate, I will be patiently waiting for this matter to be resolved.

Although last time Dwayne's name came up on the dating scene, it was said that Hoopz (aka Nikki Alexander) from Flavor of Love, was having his baby.

Which turned out to be clearly untrue. So, America, we shall wait and see.

End story.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


For no particular reason, the other day I decided to jot down a rather extensive list of all of the various jobs I've had the pleasure of working. My pen almost ran out of ink before I finished. In the end, I tallied 16 different jobs. Considering I'm not even 30 yet, I think that has to be some kind of record. I told this to one of my friends, and her response was: "and you're still going strong...proud of you." And frankly, I AM proud. The government and their 401K's can suck it, I'd rather keep myself entertained for a while. And that I have.

For the curious, my personal favorite job titles have been (in alphabetical order):
Bicycle Messenger
Carpet Cleaning Technician
Coke Mule (no, I'm totally joking)
Floor Instructor
Food Runner
Grassroots Canvasser
Personal Trainer
And there was also my stint as a Freelance Essay Writer (thank you lazy college students!)
In conclusion, I have no shame in my indecision, rather, I embrace it. So be on the lookout, I might be coming to an hourly wage position near YOU.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Viva New York

After being in New York City for about a week and a half, my favorite sight was this:

Being poor never felt so exciting!! Yes, I DO want want to get more!