Why you should have a small dog..

I stumbled across this little gem of genius as I was walking my dog today...

What I'm wondering here is how they determine whether your dog's poop is worth a $25 fine, a $200 fine, or somewhere in between. Is it the size of the poop, the amount of poop, or the messiness of the poop? In my opinion, I'd say diarrhea is definitely a $200 fine, especially if it comes out of a German Shepard. I just feel sorry for the jackass cop who has to respond to a call about unclaimed dog sh*t. I don't know if he weighs it, measures it, or just writes out a citation based on his level of embarrassment. You have to be the station f*ck-all if they send you out to investigate poop. I'd freaking turn in my badge.

I would love to meet anyone who has actually received a ticket for dog crap. I've gotten in trouble for much more ridiculous things, but if an officer seriously wrote me up, I would throw the poop at his windshield.

Also, I never really understood what it means to "curb your dog." Is that like parallel parking? Do I have to back my dog in? Should I put change in the meter?

And how the hell does dog poop contaminate drinking water? Unless my dog is sh*tting in the Brita while I'm asleep, I'm pretty sure my water is just fine. Where do these people get off? Fish piss in the ocean 24 hours a day, alligators and frogs live in lakes, raccoons wash their asses in streams, but somehow my chihuahua's poop in the grass is what makes it into the tap water??

Good grief.

OH...MY...GAAAAAAAAAH..

That is the cutest freaking thing I have ever seen. I want a squirrel monkey for my birthday, I might even pawn my dog. I don't know if the zoo accepts trades, but I'm also totally willing to turn in my "wild red-bellied tropical chihuahua." I hear they are endangered...

Okay, she's just a regular chihuahua, but I really want a monkey.

Dog Curbing leads to Depression.

Someone buy this guy a drink!

Depression affects all of us...if you have to, liquor up your pug.

Real Life Pet Sematary

Remember this?

Well, it's back...only there's a lot more science involved...you know, microscopes and such.

Today an American woman received five puppies that were cloned by a South Korean company from her late pitbull, who died of cancer in 2006. She is RNL Bio's first customer to what they claim is the world's first successful "commercial canine cloning service."

This just sounds morbid.

Cells were taken from the woman's dead pitbull (who's name was Booger...how...cute?). The Korean scientists then brought the dog's frozen cells to Seoul in March and nurtured them (whatever that means) before launching formal cloning work in late May, according to RNL Bio. The two surrogate mother's were both Korean mixed-breed dogs.

I know this must be a precious moment from her perspective, but I don't know what is creepier, the fact that they are commercially cloning housepets, the idea that animals have a soul, or the expression on this woman's face (notice puppy screaming with haunts of his past life):

"I know you! You know me, too!" She told the puppies. She said she was attached to her dog, Booger (again...great name) because he saved her life when she was severely attacked by a much larger dog. That's an admirable reason to be attached to a pet, but seriously, cloning him in hopes that his eternal soul is resurrected in not one puppy, but five?

Unfortunately it seems RNL Bio's inaugural customer is not alone in her belief. The company eventually plans to clone about 300 dogs per year and has reported that they are also interested in duplicating camels in the Middle East. Just what we need, an army of cloned camels! This is all sounding very Star Wars, if not a bit scary. You have to stop and wonder what's next. But for the time being, if you're looking for a newer, probably slightly-disturbed, post-mortem copy of Fluffy or Spot, start saving your pennies, because they charge up to $150,000 a pop. If you ask me (which I'm sure you didn't and won't), this is exactly how Cujo was born.