Tuesday, June 24, 2008
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by:
(the Council for Accurate Spelling and the Avoidance of Ridiculously Disgusting Images)
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I have to admit I was a Johnny-come-lately to this show, but it has since become a guilty pleasure. Before the last season, I literally boxed myself in my apartment for 3 days, ignored phone calls, blew off friends, and I might have actually forgotten to eat. All in the name of watching hour after desolate hour of Heroes, desperately trying to catch up before the season premiere. I didn't initially realize that this task would entail 12 dvd's and over 30 episodes. I was unemployed at the time, which made this feasible, but still bordering on obsessive insanity. Needless to say, I was left wanting a super power, began to live vicariously through Monday night episodes, and shed a few actual tears when the writer's strike put a halt to my season. Still in withdrawal, I feel like discussing a few items:
1) Ali Larter-her character's power is that she is a sweet mother with an dark alter ego who is an unstoppably violent, tactical, and vindictive extortionist with no conscience whatsoever. This alter ego often takes control with dire consequences. My question is when being bipolar became a super power? In that case, I know plenty of super heroes.
2) Nora Zehetner-her character had the all-time best power, the power of persuasion. She could make any person believe or do anything she wanted at any given time. Not only did they underuse her character, she shot herself and died. I was irate. If I was a Hero, I would definitely have the power of persuasion.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I haven't used a payphone since high school (and then only to return messages sent to my pager, which was oh so cool at the time, and coincidentally made me look like a drug dealer) and I was shocked and appalled by the fact that it now costs 50 cents. Okay, I know gas prices have gone up, groceries are more expensive, and the real estate market is disasterous, but pay phones? I have to draw the line here, America, it seems unfair to ask myself, and a good deal of phoneless and most likely broke citizens to spend quality liquor money on phone calls. Because let's face it, if you can't afford a phone, you probably need to drink away your sorrows.
Oh, and if you plan to charge me 50 cents, at least ensure the phone doesn't smell like pee. I like to think my fees include maintenance.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Or especially this:
Seriously, bring back the DMC-12. If anyone has one, and will sell it to me, there's some serious money in it for you. I could go as high as five dollars...maaaybe six. Let me know. I like red, but it's negotiable.
Oh, and Neutrogena, you're welcome. I'll accept $1 of the proceeds for each Wave sold. Cash.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
As an avid gym-goer there are quite a few pet peeves I have, including but not limited to:
1) People who grunt...loudly, while lifting weights
2) People who give themselves motivational speeches on the treadmill (i.e. "come on! 2 more laps! let's go! you can do it!") outloud
3) People who talk on their cell phones while working out. Really, are you wasting your time or mine?
4) In general, people that spark conversations. I don't know you, this isn't speed dating, and clearly I have heavy weights in my hands and/or am running. Can this wait until Happy Hour?
5) I'm hesitant about this one because I am admittedly a heavy sweater, but seriously, bring a towel, they aren't paying me to wipe up after you.
Those being said, my absolute #1 loathe at the gym is the Hoverer. Listen, just because you asked me how many sets I have left on the machine, that doesn't give you the right to preside over me like a referee. You are allowed to linger, but hovering is unnacceptable. For those who don't grasp the difference let me explain:
A HOVERER is distinguished by the fact that if you accidentally dropped a dumbell it would probably land on their foot. You can clearly see this person in the corner of your eye as you are exercising, and he/she actually appears to be watching you. In addition, their water bottles are placed within arms reach. Listen Hoverer, I understand you want to get in and get out like the rest of us, but really, take a step back. I can't work out with your stare burning a hole in my tank top.
A LINGERER is someone who politely asks you when you will be finished, and accordingly fills the time with chatting with a buddy or watching a TV. This person will acknowledge that they are waiting, but not become as intimidating as to invade your personal space. Lingerers, while I don't ask for you, I accept your intentions.
The Moral: Get out of my freaking way or I'll hit you with a medicine ball.
Coming soon: my quest for Gladiatordom (similar to that Russell Crowe movie, but cleaner, and without the lions...and the warriors...weapons...and cages...okay, I guess not like that movie at all.)