Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Lesson in Typing

I am still in a sort of mild depression concerning the fact that Heroes is still not back on TV. So, in the interim I decided to blog about the show. While searching google for images, my ring finger slipped and I typed 'herpes' instead of 'heroes.' I'm now pretty traumatized, and I urge you all to please check your spelling before pressing the enter key.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by:

(the Council for Accurate Spelling and the Avoidance of Ridiculously Disgusting Images)

Thank you.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Because I Heart Family Guy

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?

Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.

Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Looking back, it's hard to remember life before having one of these:
Now, however, this little several hundred dollar gadget is my lifeline. I finally got it back today after having suspended service for almost an entire month. I felt like a piece of me had been missing, I actually wanted to conference call everyone in my phonebook and make a homecoming announcement. Text me! Call me! Love me! I'm back people! At any rate, after trying for 10 minutes to figure out how to accomplish this mass call, I decided that I am a ridiculous person, and put the phone back in my pocket.

It's a Bird, no, it's a Plane...

No, it's fictional television stars with super powers!!

I have to admit I was a Johnny-come-lately to this show, but it has since become a guilty pleasure. Before the last season, I literally boxed myself in my apartment for 3 days, ignored phone calls, blew off friends, and I might have actually forgotten to eat. All in the name of watching hour after desolate hour of Heroes, desperately trying to catch up before the season premiere. I didn't initially realize that this task would entail 12 dvd's and over 30 episodes. I was unemployed at the time, which made this feasible, but still bordering on obsessive insanity. Needless to say, I was left wanting a super power, began to live vicariously through Monday night episodes, and shed a few actual tears when the writer's strike put a halt to my season. Still in withdrawal, I feel like discussing a few items:

1) Ali Larter-her character's power is that she is a sweet mother with an dark alter ego who is an unstoppably violent, tactical, and vindictive extortionist with no conscience whatsoever. This alter ego often takes control with dire consequences. My question is when being bipolar became a super power? In that case, I know plenty of super heroes.

2) Nora Zehetner-her character had the all-time best power, the power of persuasion. She could make any person believe or do anything she wanted at any given time. Not only did they underuse her character, she shot herself and died. I was irate. If I was a Hero, I would definitely have the power of persuasion.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Inflation and Hard Times

Utter desititution is not an attractive quality, however it has led to the suspension of my cell phone service (thanks T-mobile!) and given me the pleasure of using one of these:

I haven't used a payphone since high school (and then only to return messages sent to my pager, which was oh so cool at the time, and coincidentally made me look like a drug dealer) and I was shocked and appalled by the fact that it now costs 50 cents. Okay, I know gas prices have gone up, groceries are more expensive, and the real estate market is disasterous, but pay phones? I have to draw the line here, America, it seems unfair to ask myself, and a good deal of phoneless and most likely broke citizens to spend quality liquor money on phone calls. Because let's face it, if you can't afford a phone, you probably need to drink away your sorrows.

Oh, and if you plan to charge me 50 cents, at least ensure the phone doesn't smell like pee. I like to think my fees include maintenance.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Career Moves

My next job: Photo-Bomber.

There has to be some way to make money ruining precious memories, right?

Back to the Future...or 1985.

I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't a huge fan of the Back to the Future movies, I guess the whole "Family Ties" series didn't sit well enough with me to appreciate watching another 5 or 6 hours of Michael J. Fox. But I've been briefed on them several times, even did the whole behind-the-scenes tour at Universal Studios. I didn't recognize any of the scenery, but I still oohed and ahhhed like a big tourist mo. I rode the 3-D simulator as well, which, if anyone out there has been on this ride since 1987, you know that getting in that thing in 2008 is the equivalent of having someone read you a pop-up storybook. I guess all of this was way 'before my time,' as they say, and by 'they' I mean anyone who was old enough to buy their own ticket when the first movie came out in theaters. Me, I was three, still figuring out that you shouldn't stick legos up your nose or eat paste. But today, I found out that there there was actually a DeLorean Motor Company. They opened in 1975 and actually made DeLorean sports cars! They filed for bankruptcy in 1982 because of lack of demand. I'm thinking to myself: "self, who the *expletive* wouldn't want a DeLorean??!" Personally, I say they were ahead the curve. Now people are paying crazy money to get butterfly doors installed when they could have just had an effing DeLorean. How can one resist this:

Or especially this:

Seriously, bring back the DMC-12. If anyone has one, and will sell it to me, there's some serious money in it for you. I could go as high as five dollars...maaaybe six. Let me know. I like red, but it's negotiable.

Let's Talk Pores

For the record, the Neutrogena Wave is freaking fantastic. And not because it's peddled by Vanessa Hudgens. If I wasn't terrified of really close-up pictures I would show my newly minimized pores, however I am, and so I won't. Your loss. Anyway, buy one of these things, they're great.

Oh, and Neutrogena, you're welcome. I'll accept $1 of the proceeds for each Wave sold. Cash.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Workout: Pho freaking Pah

As an avid gym-goer there are quite a few pet peeves I have, including but not limited to:

1) People who grunt...loudly, while lifting weights

2) People who give themselves motivational speeches on the treadmill (i.e. "come on! 2 more laps! let's go! you can do it!") outloud

3) People who talk on their cell phones while working out. Really, are you wasting your time or mine?

4) In general, people that spark conversations. I don't know you, this isn't speed dating, and clearly I have heavy weights in my hands and/or am running. Can this wait until Happy Hour?

5) I'm hesitant about this one because I am admittedly a heavy sweater, but seriously, bring a towel, they aren't paying me to wipe up after you.

Those being said, my absolute #1 loathe at the gym is the Hoverer. Listen, just because you asked me how many sets I have left on the machine, that doesn't give you the right to preside over me like a referee. You are allowed to linger, but hovering is unnacceptable. For those who don't grasp the difference let me explain:

A HOVERER is distinguished by the fact that if you accidentally dropped a dumbell it would probably land on their foot. You can clearly see this person in the corner of your eye as you are exercising, and he/she actually appears to be watching you. In addition, their water bottles are placed within arms reach. Listen Hoverer, I understand you want to get in and get out like the rest of us, but really, take a step back. I can't work out with your stare burning a hole in my tank top.

A LINGERER is someone who politely asks you when you will be finished, and accordingly fills the time with chatting with a buddy or watching a TV. This person will acknowledge that they are waiting, but not become as intimidating as to invade your personal space. Lingerers, while I don't ask for you, I accept your intentions.

The Moral: Get out of my freaking way or I'll hit you with a medicine ball.

American Gladiators

I'd like to think I'm a lover not a fighter, but if I'm backed into a corner I'd probably fight dirty. Regardless, there are 3 people (ladies) who I honestly wouldn't mind kicking my ass. If you haven't seen the new American Gladiators yet, get on the freaking bandwagon.

Okay, so this show was always awesome, even in the 90's when they dressed like angry superheroes and had soft cotton ball names like Lace, Gemini and Malibu. Seriously, who is intimidated by Malibu? I don't know maybe he'll spray tan you to death or beat you with his surfboard.

I think the best memory of this guy Nitro (above) was that there was an episode of Ellen when she was on American Gladiators and they started dating. Even pre-coming out show...come on, that was absurd. Really, Ellen? Writers? Producers? Nitro? I wonder what happens to washed-up Gladiators anyway, they should have a reunion, or start a support group. At any rate, if the pre-millenium crew didn't do it for you, I'd tune in now solely for the newbies (i.e. refer to top). And as much as smaller, less green versions of the Hulk, aka the men, might impress some, I think the girls have it this time.

Coming soon: my quest for Gladiatordom (similar to that Russell Crowe movie, but cleaner, and without the lions...and the warriors...weapons...and cages...okay, I guess not like that movie at all.)