Friday, September 12, 2008

The Idiot Box.

I am dangerously aware of the fact that I watch entirely too much television. But I have to admit, that some of the greatest life lessons, I have learned from those little 30-60 minute blocks of commercially packaged entertainment. They bring me pure, though transient, joy. And they also provide me with essential survival skills and intuition; such as not to get drunk or have sex on the first night of The Real World (or you will be eternally known as the "alcoholic" or the "slut"), the beautiful melodrama of teenage love triangles, how to find humor in terrible situations which are funny only because they aren't happening to you, becoming a celebrity in three easy steps (1. Be born rich, 2. Make a sex tape, 3. Do something stupid in public and/or in front of a camera), the fact that playing a doctor on TV is much more lucrative than becoming one in reality, and most importantly, that slipping into unconsciousness after a bottle of tequila and a kilo of cocaine is not overdosing, it is "exhaustion," and getting hospitalized is taking a "much needed rest." These are of course the most important, though I have become privy to a slew of such tidbits of knowledge.

All of these benefits considered, I have never once felt like an actual idiot for watching the so-called 'idiot box.' That was until last week, when I experienced the literally mind-numbing premiere of Fox's newest gameshow, Hole in The Wall.

Usually, when I think 'hole in the wall', I think of a small and quaint, no-frills no-fuss bar or cafe; or I think of an actual hole in a wall. Unfortunately, this gameshow has taken the form of the latter.

I will explain the rules, trying desperately to keep a straight face, and retain my own dignity as an American citizen. A foam wall slides towards the contestants, solid except for a human-sized cut-out in a ridiculous pose. Behind said contestant, is a shallow pool. If this person (clad in a shiny, metallic lycra leotard of some sort) is able to fit through the cut-out without getting pushed into the pool, then they win points.

Seriously, that's all there is to the game. And so we once again have another country (Japan, this time) to thank for this American adaptation of absolutely moronic proportions. How many times can you really say "Ha ha he fell in the water," without finally stabbing yourself in the eye.

And my, my how co-host (the always fabulous, though unfortunate) Brooke Burns has fallen. Someone cast this girl in something! Please! She's gorgeous! I honestly can't watch her host another D-list game show!

Witnessing shows like this take prime-time slots on television is a perfect example of why I'm so nervous about the Presidential elections in November. Fox might as well tie a twinkie to the end of a stick, tape the stick to our foreheads, and watch us run around for an hour.

I watch some admittedly stupid things, but come on, even an idiot like me has to draw the line somewhere!

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