Insomnia, Bad Movies, and Free Lobster...

At 3 o'clock in the morning, a person's base requirements for movies spiral down the drain. You stop being a critic because you are entirely too tired to invest enough energy to change the channel. You watch comedies with siamese twins, period pieces with silly costumes, or a good cop-bad cop, old cop-new cop (red cop-green cop black cop-jew cop) criminal heist gone wrong. If you're truly unlucky and/or temporarily paralyzed, you'll end up with some fairytale-esque teen flick where the ugly duckling becomes the prom queen, the studly quarterback realizes that popularity isn't everything, and we all vomit a little bit in our mouths.

Then 4 o'clock sidles quietly by, and you're plastered to the pillow; glassy-eyed, slack-jawed, and willing to watch anything with pretty colors. As long as it doesn't require too much serious brain activity. Accordingly, this is the dreadful hour that most cable channels air those movies that people went to see in the theater, and upon returning home, told you one of two things, depending on how much they liked you.

"It was pretty good, you should see it," said the person that despises you, secretly wishing you unexpected bankruptcy from paying to see too many horrible movies.

A true friend, however, told you the blatant truth. "Honestly, I'd rather blind myself, cut off my tongue, and go to a strip club on free lobster night, than see that movie again."

While I wouldn't rather maim myself than watch "I Think I Love My Wife" a second time, I'd highly consider a minor flesh wound, or a bad case of diarrhea. There are really only a few reasons (and by this I mean things that are completely absurd) to sit still long enough to make it through this waste of two hours:

*Chris Rock pretending to be an intellectual by wearing glasses, carrying a briefcase, and saying things like "hold my calls."

*The scantily clad and gorgeous Kerry Washington (Nikki Tru...nice name writers, very realistic) settling on a plethora of unacceptable men, i.e. an ex-con, some guy named 'Compassion,' a fat man, and Chris Rock.

*A 2-minute cameo by America's Next Top Model Eva Pigford. (In case you were worried that she had died. Where the hell has she been, anyway?)

*A womanizing and vulgar Steve Buscemi talking about cheating on his wife and having sex with interns (all while donning a reasonably outdated bluetooth headset).

*A Viagra joke that went on, literally and figuratively, for way too long.

All of these points considered, I laughed at Chris Rock getting high and dancing to 'Laffy Taffy.' That was the one and only time I laughed. And while it didn't completely deflect from the ridiculous plot, it did make up for the fact that the term 'nigga ears' was used twice.

By far the climax of this train wreck, was when Richard Cooper (Chris Rock) was reprimanded by his boss for missing an important meeting to do Nikki (Washington) a favor. The boss (Edward Herrmann) tells Cooper that he is on probation and then pauses, clears his throat, creates that air of grandfatherly expertise, and says:

"You know, you can lose a lot of money chasing women. But you will NEVER lose women, chasing money."

At first I thought: how clever, great insight grandpa. And then I slapped myself a few times, blinked, and was offended. Who (in the name of terrible movies everywhere!) said that this was an okay comment?

Damn you, Chris Rock, you can't even make a romantic comedy without being insulting! If it wasn't the notion of two beautiful women fighting over a scrawny nerd in a suit, the glorification of extramarital affairs, promiscuous interns, or comparing life to 'not getting hit by a bus,' then it had to be not so subtly implying that all women are gold diggers. For the love of late-night television, at this point, he is just making bad porn and infomercials look intriguing.

I should start taking sleeping pills.