A-CHOO!!! And Now I'm Bored.

The least unattractive moment a person can have, is usually during a yawn or a sneeze. I'm sorry, but nothing spells turn-off like mucus flying through your nose and throat at hyperspeed, or getting a slow-motion display of tonsils and/or your uvula.




Alone, these two actions, though completely normal and necessary, are pretty unfavorable. But during sex, they are downright appalling, if not offensive.

However, there is some good news for all of you who have come to believe that your partner is either allergic to you, or extremely bored. While I cannot in full faith attest to the fact that they aren't allergic or bored, I can provide the following explanation.

(Note: if you really believe you are allergic to your partner/friend with benefits, I would consult a physician, and/or immediately leave town. If you are sincerely uninterested enough to yawn during sex, I would consult a toy store, and/or immediately leave town. Until then, you can use these completely viable biological excuses.)

Yawning and Sneezing

"These aren't painful or debilitating reactions to an orgasm, but they can cause your sex partner to feel confused or insulted. One possible explanation is that in the brain, the center for orgasms is close to the centers for yawning and sneezing, says Irwin Goldstein, MD, director of San Diego Sexual Medicine and the editor in chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, so one center could activate another. "If your partner yawns during sexual activity, it probably means that he or she is just sexually aroused," he says."

And for those nights when you want to fake a headache, these sparkling gems of medical diagnosis continue! Apparently, sometimes really great sex can be bad for your brain. Kids: this is your brain:




And this is your brain on sex:


"There's such a tremendous excitation of the nervous system and heavy-duty brain activity during orgasm, so it's no surprise that it could trigger a migraine for some people," says Dr. Goldstein."


Good to know, Dr. Goldstein. Good. To. Know.

So that's my problem!

I found an article on sibling birth order and how it affects adulthood and relationships. Being an impatient, shallow reader (that has in the past made my teachers so proud), I skipped directly to the section concerning me. (Me! Me! Me! Can you tell I'm the youngest kid?). The following summary is apparently what happens to the families' last born; a.k.a 'the baby,' a.k.a 'the brat/little monster,' a.k.a the one all the other children hate for at least the first five years.

Disclaimer: "Obviously, there's a danger when it comes to oversimplifying complex human beings into rigid classifications that may or may not apply. But it's also hard to disagree with the idea that the order in which a person is born into a family could impact how he or she relates to the world."

That's a great round-about way of saying 'If we're right then it must be true, and we are extremely intellectual, but if we're wrong, come on, you can't believe everything you read.'


"The Youngest Child

The youngest child is the one most likely to ask, "Why?" This ability to view issues from a critical perspective means they conform less and often come up with creative solutions to problems. One potential drawback is that they've often been cared for by so many people in their life that they can expect others to take responsibility for them. The youngest child is often more outgoing and social, and they'll usually take more risks, meaning that they may get to experience more diverse opportunities than their older siblings."

I interpret 'outgoing' to mean slightly overbearing, loud, and/or moderately insane; 'risks' to mean booze, sex and drugs; and 'diverse opportunities' to mean dozens of unrelated careers. But hey, somewhere in there they slipped in creativity, which in my book outweighs being crazy.

"What this means in a relationship, then, is that the youngest child offers all kinds of fun and excitement. Whether on a first date or in a serious relationship, you can count on a youngest child to find spontaneous, unexpected ways to amp up the excitement. This spontaneity can also lead to potential problems in a relationship, though, since it's not always accompanied by dependency and accountability. Also, those powerful social skills bring all kinds of rewards, but they may not always be used for good; youngest children need to be careful not to abuse those powers by manipulating to get what they want."

Hmmm. 'Spontaneous, unexpected ways to amp up the excitement.' That sounds like wild sex, fighting, or a beautifully orchestrated combination of the two. I would analyze further, but now it just seems irrelevant (please refer to previous statement).

Ah, thank you eloquent sibling observer, now it all makes sense. Not only am I an evil Scorpio, I'm an utterly aloof, irresponsible, untamed manipulator! Sweeeeeet, I should go into politics...or become a telemarketer. The world, she is mine!

Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!

Beware future victims (though I guess the politically correct term would be significant others), I may be fun and exciting, but I'm also dangerous. Like eating pop rocks and drinking soda, watching any movie starring Ashton Kutcher, or Camels (the cigarettes and the animal).

Hasta.