Role Playing

There are times you wish to pluck yourself out of your own life, similar to grabbing the remote control and changing the channel when a sitcom is too boring, confusing, out of control, or when the made-for-TV movie becomes utterly terrifying. Maybe the picture is scrambled or you can see nothing but static.



And so you vie with yourself for the ideal vantage point; simply observing from the outside-in, withdrawn at a safe distance. You desperately need to see yourself as a character instead of the ill-fated antagonist of your own life. It’s an enticing notion to be a star, a villain, or a hero, when there are no strings attached. Thirty minutes. Sixty minutes. One hundred twenty minutes. The credits roll and you change costumes, transform personas; attain a new back story and a fresh handful of tragic flaws.



Unfortunately, no, in reality this is impossible. Instead, you’re left sunk into the couch cushions, curled up into a trembling little ball and trying to watch the frightening parts through your fingers; or fighting back tears during those sad scenes so that no one will be the wiser. Absolutely helpless in watching your own desolation and the heartbreaking scenes where people usually empathize, sniffle, and hold each other. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Everything is fine.

You have to develop this willing suspension of disbelief to make it through the occasions when all elements are appearing to fall into pieces. Sharp and serrated, all points, corners and edges. You get kicked enough when you’re down and you either have to end the show or create a turning point in the plotline. Everyone loves the underdog and they worship the martyr. Sometimes it’s important to remember that the underdog may get beat and broken, but the martyr always dies.

The Idiot Box.

I am dangerously aware of the fact that I watch entirely too much television. But I have to admit, that some of the greatest life lessons, I have learned from those little 30-60 minute blocks of commercially packaged entertainment. They bring me pure, though transient, joy. And they also provide me with essential survival skills and intuition; such as not to get drunk or have sex on the first night of The Real World (or you will be eternally known as the "alcoholic" or the "slut"), the beautiful melodrama of teenage love triangles, how to find humor in terrible situations which are funny only because they aren't happening to you, becoming a celebrity in three easy steps (1. Be born rich, 2. Make a sex tape, 3. Do something stupid in public and/or in front of a camera), the fact that playing a doctor on TV is much more lucrative than becoming one in reality, and most importantly, that slipping into unconsciousness after a bottle of tequila and a kilo of cocaine is not overdosing, it is "exhaustion," and getting hospitalized is taking a "much needed rest." These are of course the most important, though I have become privy to a slew of such tidbits of knowledge.

All of these benefits considered, I have never once felt like an actual idiot for watching the so-called 'idiot box.' That was until last week, when I experienced the literally mind-numbing premiere of Fox's newest gameshow, Hole in The Wall.

Usually, when I think 'hole in the wall', I think of a small and quaint, no-frills no-fuss bar or cafe; or I think of an actual hole in a wall. Unfortunately, this gameshow has taken the form of the latter.

I will explain the rules, trying desperately to keep a straight face, and retain my own dignity as an American citizen. A foam wall slides towards the contestants, solid except for a human-sized cut-out in a ridiculous pose. Behind said contestant, is a shallow pool. If this person (clad in a shiny, metallic lycra leotard of some sort) is able to fit through the cut-out without getting pushed into the pool, then they win points.

Seriously, that's all there is to the game. And so we once again have another country (Japan, this time) to thank for this American adaptation of absolutely moronic proportions. How many times can you really say "Ha ha he fell in the water," without finally stabbing yourself in the eye.

And my, my how co-host (the always fabulous, though unfortunate) Brooke Burns has fallen. Someone cast this girl in something! Please! She's gorgeous! I honestly can't watch her host another D-list game show!

Witnessing shows like this take prime-time slots on television is a perfect example of why I'm so nervous about the Presidential elections in November. Fox might as well tie a twinkie to the end of a stick, tape the stick to our foreheads, and watch us run around for an hour.



I watch some admittedly stupid things, but come on, even an idiot like me has to draw the line somewhere!

Why Margaret Cho is My Hero(ine)...

Margaret Cho was recently on an episode of Chelsea Lately (my obsession), and talked about her new show The Cho Show, airing on vH1. While doing so she made me literally laugh outloud and spew juice out of my nose and onto my dog. The following statements are merely highlights, but seriously, my nose still hurts and my dog has been giving me the stink eye for an hour...

On Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan: "I'd like to guest star in that bed! I hope Ronson's a really butch top, and oooh I hope she's bossy...But I don't really like threesomes because they make me feel like a competitive eater."

On The Cho Show: "...Did I mention I'm naked in every episode? No, seriously."

On her parents: "Well my parents were kind of nervous about being on the show. Because at first they thought they were getting Punk'd. But you have to understand, in Korea getting Punk'd means getting taken out to a field and being shot in the head."

On doing a reality show: "Well it's a reality show, but it's scripted...so it's like the Hills, but we have eyes."

WATCH HER SHOW!..that's really all I can say, I have to go clean up juice.

9-0-2-1-NO!

Holy crap America, the CW network is bringing back Beverly Hills, 90210! But, it's newer, hipper, more provocative! They even took the "Beverly Hills" out of the title! Why? Because we should just know! That's how hot it is!

Wait a second...

Is anyone else completely unexcited!!?

I thought so.

At this point I have to seriously ask. Do mid-pubescent, pretentious, morally irresponsible, upper-middle class teenagers with dysfunctional families live anywhere outside the state of California? Or is the weather just better there? Thank you Gossip Girl for expanding the geographic spectrum of rich kids gone bad, but if I have to watch another coming-of-age-with-my-trust fund drama, I might throw a hammer through my TV screen.

Hey, we get it, you're wealthy and you still have problems. Your parents aren't home, they buy your affection. Money won't bring you happiness, blah, blah, blah. It's like listening to an album of remixes to the same song. Are they just running out of ideas?

The only aspect of this revamped teenage debacle that elated me, was that Tori Spelling got the boot. If you have watched even five minutes of her reality show, you would agree that the world has had enough.

"At this time, there are no plans for Tori to appear in the 90210 spinoff," her rep told US Weekly. Apparently, Spelling aka Donna Summer pulled out after learning that co-stars Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty were earning $35,000-$50,000 per episode, while she was only earning $10,000-$20,000. Perhaps the disparity in the paydays has something to to with the fact that NO ONE likes Tori Spelling! But that's purely speculation on my part.

At any rate, I've taken the liberty of assembling a list of ingredients, if you will, that I require in order for me to take an iota of interest in this doomed reincarnation a la "Saved By the Bell: The New Class."

In no particular order:

More than one African American person (it may be Beverly Hills, but I'm sure there are at least 2).

An Asian person (please see above).

Any other minority whatsoever (just to reiterate my point).

A lesbian that last more than 3 episodes without dropping out of school

and/or

A gay male who we aren't forced to watch not make the football team because uh oh, they find out he's gay.

Basically, all I ask is for a little more representation, I can only watch so many hours of white boys with bad haircuts driving nice cars and fighting over the same girls.

CW, I appreciate you for you plethora of MILFs, the exile of Tori Spelling, as well as the return of my beloved Shannen Doherty. But if you do not surpass my dire expectations, I just might have to write a letter...or think really, really hard about writing a letter. Okay, fine, I just won't watch the show. But you've been warned!

Saturday Afternoon Movies

Coming to America was on cable yesterday, and it made me wonder...

Why hasn't Eddie Murphy made a good funny movie (no, not Nutty Professor, I don't care what anyone says) since 1988? And where the hell is Arsenio Hall?

He went from Eddie Murphy Raw, to singing, then made Daddy Day Care. I'm sorry but that's like Micheal Jordan winning an NBA championship, going to play baseball, then returning to play basketball, only not very good. You heard it here, Eddie Murphy is the Michael Jordan of comedy.

Say It Ain't So...

So the latest grind from the rumor mill is speculating that Star Jones (or her thinner, creepier mini-me) is dating Dwayne Wade.

My mouth dried, I was speechless.

Am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton? Come out now please, this isn't funny anymore...I'm getting scared..

At any rate, I will be patiently waiting for this matter to be resolved.

Although last time Dwayne's name came up on the dating scene, it was said that Hoopz (aka Nikki Alexander) from Flavor of Love, was having his baby.

Which turned out to be clearly untrue. So, America, we shall wait and see.

End story.

A Lesson in Typing

I am still in a sort of mild depression concerning the fact that Heroes is still not back on TV. So, in the interim I decided to blog about the show. While searching google for images, my ring finger slipped and I typed 'herpes' instead of 'heroes.' I'm now pretty traumatized, and I urge you all to please check your spelling before pressing the enter key.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by:

CASARDI
(the Council for Accurate Spelling and the Avoidance of Ridiculously Disgusting Images)

Thank you.

Because I Heart Family Guy

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?

Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.

Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

It's a Bird, no, it's a Plane...

No, it's fictional television stars with super powers!!

I have to admit I was a Johnny-come-lately to this show, but it has since become a guilty pleasure. Before the last season, I literally boxed myself in my apartment for 3 days, ignored phone calls, blew off friends, and I might have actually forgotten to eat. All in the name of watching hour after desolate hour of Heroes, desperately trying to catch up before the season premiere. I didn't initially realize that this task would entail 12 dvd's and over 30 episodes. I was unemployed at the time, which made this feasible, but still bordering on obsessive insanity. Needless to say, I was left wanting a super power, began to live vicariously through Monday night episodes, and shed a few actual tears when the writer's strike put a halt to my season. Still in withdrawal, I feel like discussing a few items:

1) Ali Larter-her character's power is that she is a sweet mother with an dark alter ego who is an unstoppably violent, tactical, and vindictive extortionist with no conscience whatsoever. This alter ego often takes control with dire consequences. My question is when being bipolar became a super power? In that case, I know plenty of super heroes.

2) Nora Zehetner-her character had the all-time best power, the power of persuasion. She could make any person believe or do anything she wanted at any given time. Not only did they underuse her character, she shot herself and died. I was irate. If I was a Hero, I would definitely have the power of persuasion.

American Gladiators

I'd like to think I'm a lover not a fighter, but if I'm backed into a corner I'd probably fight dirty. Regardless, there are 3 people (ladies) who I honestly wouldn't mind kicking my ass. If you haven't seen the new American Gladiators yet, get on the freaking bandwagon.

Okay, so this show was always awesome, even in the 90's when they dressed like angry superheroes and had soft cotton ball names like Lace, Gemini and Malibu. Seriously, who is intimidated by Malibu? I don't know maybe he'll spray tan you to death or beat you with his surfboard.

I think the best memory of this guy Nitro (above) was that there was an episode of Ellen when she was on American Gladiators and they started dating. Even pre-coming out show...come on, that was absurd. Really, Ellen? Writers? Producers? Nitro? I wonder what happens to washed-up Gladiators anyway, they should have a reunion, or start a support group. At any rate, if the pre-millenium crew didn't do it for you, I'd tune in now solely for the newbies (i.e. refer to top). And as much as smaller, less green versions of the Hulk, aka the men, might impress some, I think the girls have it this time.

Coming soon: my quest for Gladiatordom (similar to that Russell Crowe movie, but cleaner, and without the lions...and the warriors...weapons...and cages...okay, I guess not like that movie at all.)