Busted...

There's a saying out there in this brutal, unpredictable world. They (and by they, I mean me and my personalities) say that you haven't really lived, unless you've been arrested. The fact that I am the only person that admittedly believes this statement, does not make it any less true. Some would call me an advocate of petty crime and misdemeanor, I prefer self-preservationist. Let's just say, it's much easier to justify the existence of an arrest record (however minor, or let's face it, stupid) if you already have one.

Going to jail is much like riding a rollercoaster at a crappy amusement park. You're thrown into a peeling plastic seat with no restraints, are subjected to pathetic, listless banter from the underpaid guy in a uniform, get slid and thrashed around for a few minutes, and once the car stops your neck hurts and you really wish you would have just stayed home. Eventually the food makes you sick, the crowd begins to get on your nerves, time slows to a crawl and crankiness evolves into thoughts of cold-blooded murder . You laugh a little, cry a lot, and when you leave, you get one of those souvenier photos. However, the police department often refers to these little keepsakes as mugshots.

Needless to say, if you are getting arrested, you are probably not in your best form. Chances are you are drunk, on drugs, just got beaten up, or are otherwise incapacitated or half-asleep. You are also either terrified, devastated, or outrageously pissed off. Let's be honest; it is not a pretty sight. Mugshots are not something you pose or prepare for, they just happen. No retouching, no re-takes, no red eye removal. Just you, an outdated camera, and an irritated police photographer.

It is in that very moment, as they line you up against the wall and instruct you to stare at the lens, that you have a decision to make. You have to say to yourself, "Self, one day you could be famous, or at least infamous. And Self, surely this picture will in one way or another reach the media and the general public. When that day comes, Self, do you want to be known as a badass? Or would you rather be remembered as a complete pussy?"

Yes, even famous people often find themselves faced with this life-altering decision. The following celebrity mugshots are just a few of my favorites.


Click. Flash. Whirrrrr...




I don't think it's possible for Michelle Rodriguez not to look badass. Even when faced with wearing an ankle bracelet. She also managed to keep a straight face when blaming her DUI on steroids...you know, for her allergies.




Moms always told their sons to put on clean underwear to spare embarrassment in case of arrest or hospitalization. Apparently no one told Nick Nolte about also getting haircuts and NOT wearing Hawaiian shirts...ever.




Al Pacino's charges were dropped after he told authorities the gun he was carrying was for an audition. I haven't been on too many casting calls, but I'm pretty sure they don't require you to bring your own firearm. Freakin' coppers. They should have known not to mess with The Don. (And 21-year-old Pacino was cute, right?)




Excuse me, Kimora Lee, but unless Baby Phat is introducing a new line of prison-wear, there is no reason for that amount of happiness...or those bangs. It must really be great to know you have bail money.




Pee-Wee Herman...need I say more? Although in this picture, I'm not so sure I'd trust my kids in his playhouse. He looks much more like a serial killer than a pervert masturbating to porn in an x-rated theater. Either way, you have to love the irony...and the goatee.




If you decide to get whacked out on marijuana and Xanax, make sure to stay home, watch Half-Baked, and eat some Little Debbies (I prefer the zebra cakes). Just don't make like Andy Dick, who groped and exposed a 17-year-old girl and was then still too high to realize he shouldn't be smiling like a psychopath in his orange jumpsuit.




With a name like Rip Torn, you can't go around looking for trouble. Or just plain looking crazy. Call me cynical, but I think the tender age of 75 should be the cut-off for any kind of driving, as well as drunk-driving. Didn't he see Driving Miss Daisy? Get a chauffer.




Speaking of looking crazy...James Brown, everybody.




I don't even know who this is, but it's the best mugshot I've ever seen. It's the prison shot we should all live and hope for. Kudos unidentified caucasian female, kudos! And I have no doubt the arresting officer took care not to rustle her mohawk in the cruiser. They are so courteous, those policemen.




It's true, Larry King DID have those glasses in the 70's. He also passed bad checks. And had a thing for polka-dots.




George Clinton, I have no words. And my eyes hurt. I hope the cocaine you were holding is responsible for that dye job. I'm surprised the fashion police didn't nab him first.




I didn't know it was a practice for police to arrest deranged mannequins. And I honestly don't understand why anyone believes Michael Jackson would have to drug a child; they would probably simply pass out from fright. I know I did.




Jane Fonda is my personal favorite, and it isn't just because of the iconic fist of defiance. It has to be the fact that she was arrested for smuggling pills; charges that were dropped when they turned out to be vitamins. Now that's a hardened criminal if I've ever seen one (and I haven't).




"But I'm A Cheerleader!" No, Natasha Lyonne, it didn't get you out of gay-rehab and it didn't get you out of American Pie 2. Considering the police reports claim you went ballistic and threatened your neighbor's dog (I am absolutely against dog-threats), it's no wonder you have to smirk just a little.


Well, crime still doesn't pay, but at least it makes for some classic snapshots.

In the interest of my own amusement, and because I have yet to recover the original mugshots from my alleged arrest, I decided to recreate this golden moment in my life.

Pay your speeding tickets kids, and make sure your license is always up to date. Trust me, it'll save you a trip to the slammer, court costs, as well as the company of prostitutes and crackheads.

The following allegedly re-enacted photographs are based on an alleged event, involving alleged charges, represent no admission of alleged guilt, and may well be a complete fabrication for the sake of entertainment.

But if they are badass, then they must be real.

Book me, Danno.

Why Margaret Cho is My Hero(ine)...

Margaret Cho was recently on an episode of Chelsea Lately (my obsession), and talked about her new show The Cho Show, airing on vH1. While doing so she made me literally laugh outloud and spew juice out of my nose and onto my dog. The following statements are merely highlights, but seriously, my nose still hurts and my dog has been giving me the stink eye for an hour...

On Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan: "I'd like to guest star in that bed! I hope Ronson's a really butch top, and oooh I hope she's bossy...But I don't really like threesomes because they make me feel like a competitive eater."

On The Cho Show: "...Did I mention I'm naked in every episode? No, seriously."

On her parents: "Well my parents were kind of nervous about being on the show. Because at first they thought they were getting Punk'd. But you have to understand, in Korea getting Punk'd means getting taken out to a field and being shot in the head."

On doing a reality show: "Well it's a reality show, but it's scripted...so it's like the Hills, but we have eyes."

WATCH HER SHOW!..that's really all I can say, I have to go clean up juice.

9-0-2-1-NO!

Holy crap America, the CW network is bringing back Beverly Hills, 90210! But, it's newer, hipper, more provocative! They even took the "Beverly Hills" out of the title! Why? Because we should just know! That's how hot it is!

Wait a second...

Is anyone else completely unexcited!!?

I thought so.

At this point I have to seriously ask. Do mid-pubescent, pretentious, morally irresponsible, upper-middle class teenagers with dysfunctional families live anywhere outside the state of California? Or is the weather just better there? Thank you Gossip Girl for expanding the geographic spectrum of rich kids gone bad, but if I have to watch another coming-of-age-with-my-trust fund drama, I might throw a hammer through my TV screen.

Hey, we get it, you're wealthy and you still have problems. Your parents aren't home, they buy your affection. Money won't bring you happiness, blah, blah, blah. It's like listening to an album of remixes to the same song. Are they just running out of ideas?

The only aspect of this revamped teenage debacle that elated me, was that Tori Spelling got the boot. If you have watched even five minutes of her reality show, you would agree that the world has had enough.

"At this time, there are no plans for Tori to appear in the 90210 spinoff," her rep told US Weekly. Apparently, Spelling aka Donna Summer pulled out after learning that co-stars Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty were earning $35,000-$50,000 per episode, while she was only earning $10,000-$20,000. Perhaps the disparity in the paydays has something to to with the fact that NO ONE likes Tori Spelling! But that's purely speculation on my part.

At any rate, I've taken the liberty of assembling a list of ingredients, if you will, that I require in order for me to take an iota of interest in this doomed reincarnation a la "Saved By the Bell: The New Class."

In no particular order:

More than one African American person (it may be Beverly Hills, but I'm sure there are at least 2).

An Asian person (please see above).

Any other minority whatsoever (just to reiterate my point).

A lesbian that last more than 3 episodes without dropping out of school

and/or

A gay male who we aren't forced to watch not make the football team because uh oh, they find out he's gay.

Basically, all I ask is for a little more representation, I can only watch so many hours of white boys with bad haircuts driving nice cars and fighting over the same girls.

CW, I appreciate you for you plethora of MILFs, the exile of Tori Spelling, as well as the return of my beloved Shannen Doherty. But if you do not surpass my dire expectations, I just might have to write a letter...or think really, really hard about writing a letter. Okay, fine, I just won't watch the show. But you've been warned!

Rosemary's...I mean, Clay Aiken's Baby..

I completely recovered from the absurdity that not only was Clay Aiken planning to breed (articially, of course) with a 40-something record producer, but he was also still claiming to be straight.

But by far the most unsettling result is that his son was born at 8:08am on 8/08/08...if this "family" doesn't need an exorcism soon, I'll faint in disbelief.

Great Ad...what are we protesting again?

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard met controversy just days before the opening ceremonies in China because of her naked PETA campaign poster. The gold medalists' anti-fur campaign poster was banned from inside the Athlete's Village, the unveiling canceled for "safety concerns." I'm not quite sure for whose safety they were concerned, but apparently in China naked=bad, communism=good. Violation of civil liberties is completely acceptable, but don't you dare tread into their country without bottoms on, especially if you are suggesting they not slaughter animals for fashion, sport, or something loaded with MSG.








PETA ads, always known for being provocative and literally eye-popping (I had to shove one of mine back in the socket a few times) have always demanded attention. I love animals, and completely understand the fight for animal rights, but I'm definitely not giving up Chicken Wing Wednesday at Flanagan's. Regardless of your carnivorous status, you have to at least pay a little homage to the beauty that is "I'd rather go naked than wear fur."

But somehow, I don't think this next one is getting the point across. Hmmm, let's display a naked woman as literally "a piece of meat." Great idea marketing department! And men everywhere collectively pick their tongues up off the floor.

You have to admit though, the slogans are just a little short of genius.

Could it be the genuine simplicity? Or the naked Hugo Boss models...

At any rate, China, get over yourself. PETA, keep making naked fashionable (though I'm not sure when it wasn't), and fighting for the cute, cuddly, defenseless and/or ferocious. I won't wear fur, or lipstick tested on baby seals, or ivory from dead elephant tusks. However, I'm not giving up filet mignon. Beggars can't be choosers, after all.

And thank you, Ms. Basinger, for this small side note to whoever stole my favorite jacket from the club last year. Listen up, jacket thief: "Someone Else's Coat" means humans too. When you're ready, I'd like it back, much appreciated.

Say It Ain't So...

So the latest grind from the rumor mill is speculating that Star Jones (or her thinner, creepier mini-me) is dating Dwayne Wade.

My mouth dried, I was speechless.

Am I being Punk'd? Ashton? Ashton? Come out now please, this isn't funny anymore...I'm getting scared..

At any rate, I will be patiently waiting for this matter to be resolved.

Although last time Dwayne's name came up on the dating scene, it was said that Hoopz (aka Nikki Alexander) from Flavor of Love, was having his baby.

Which turned out to be clearly untrue. So, America, we shall wait and see.

End story.

It's a Bird, no, it's a Plane...

No, it's fictional television stars with super powers!!

I have to admit I was a Johnny-come-lately to this show, but it has since become a guilty pleasure. Before the last season, I literally boxed myself in my apartment for 3 days, ignored phone calls, blew off friends, and I might have actually forgotten to eat. All in the name of watching hour after desolate hour of Heroes, desperately trying to catch up before the season premiere. I didn't initially realize that this task would entail 12 dvd's and over 30 episodes. I was unemployed at the time, which made this feasible, but still bordering on obsessive insanity. Needless to say, I was left wanting a super power, began to live vicariously through Monday night episodes, and shed a few actual tears when the writer's strike put a halt to my season. Still in withdrawal, I feel like discussing a few items:

1) Ali Larter-her character's power is that she is a sweet mother with an dark alter ego who is an unstoppably violent, tactical, and vindictive extortionist with no conscience whatsoever. This alter ego often takes control with dire consequences. My question is when being bipolar became a super power? In that case, I know plenty of super heroes.

2) Nora Zehetner-her character had the all-time best power, the power of persuasion. She could make any person believe or do anything she wanted at any given time. Not only did they underuse her character, she shot herself and died. I was irate. If I was a Hero, I would definitely have the power of persuasion.

Let's Talk Pores

For the record, the Neutrogena Wave is freaking fantastic. And not because it's peddled by Vanessa Hudgens. If I wasn't terrified of really close-up pictures I would show my newly minimized pores, however I am, and so I won't. Your loss. Anyway, buy one of these things, they're great.


Oh, and Neutrogena, you're welcome. I'll accept $1 of the proceeds for each Wave sold. Cash.

American Gladiators

I'd like to think I'm a lover not a fighter, but if I'm backed into a corner I'd probably fight dirty. Regardless, there are 3 people (ladies) who I honestly wouldn't mind kicking my ass. If you haven't seen the new American Gladiators yet, get on the freaking bandwagon.

Okay, so this show was always awesome, even in the 90's when they dressed like angry superheroes and had soft cotton ball names like Lace, Gemini and Malibu. Seriously, who is intimidated by Malibu? I don't know maybe he'll spray tan you to death or beat you with his surfboard.

I think the best memory of this guy Nitro (above) was that there was an episode of Ellen when she was on American Gladiators and they started dating. Even pre-coming out show...come on, that was absurd. Really, Ellen? Writers? Producers? Nitro? I wonder what happens to washed-up Gladiators anyway, they should have a reunion, or start a support group. At any rate, if the pre-millenium crew didn't do it for you, I'd tune in now solely for the newbies (i.e. refer to top). And as much as smaller, less green versions of the Hulk, aka the men, might impress some, I think the girls have it this time.

Coming soon: my quest for Gladiatordom (similar to that Russell Crowe movie, but cleaner, and without the lions...and the warriors...weapons...and cages...okay, I guess not like that movie at all.)