Simple, obscene, but true.

Obviously, at this point, the nation is quite abuzz with the upcoming election and all that politico jazz. I'm not a fan of politics by any means, but I am an avid connoisseur of knowing what the hell I'm talking about (even if just for the sake of argument), especially in the face of ignorance, and also when I begin to fear that the outcome will eventually mess up my day. I have observed all of these red-faced politicians, campaigners, and supporters with their disdainful shaking fists and angry retorts. So I figure, why not pick up a newspaper and join in on the fun. And so I did. I think I've basically covered all of the non-sarcastic, non-cynical, completely serious and genuine, opinionated banter that I can stomach for the moment. Today, I simply want to send a message to all of those disenchanted, uninformed tantrum-throwers who feel the irrepressible need to rant about issues that they don't understand and defend/advocate people they know nothing about. Ahem...cue video please:









Thank you. Please remember America: Read a book, raise your kids, drink water, brush your teeth and wear deodorant! Now go Google something. The prosecution rests.



In an effort to keep my nose clean (hi mom!), I posted the censored version. For all of those expletives you and I love (they really hammer the point home, that's all), go here.

I heart Heart.

If during John McCain's Presidential acceptance speech, you didn't...

a) Lapse into a coma

b) Get so irritated with the chants of "U-S-A!" that you moved to another country

c) Mute the television for fear of hearing the words "maverick" or "tortured" for the seven-thousandth time

d) Become hospitalized after your brain spontaneously combusted due to bullsh*t overload

e) Fall into a hypnotic trance listening to McCain's droning monotone

f) Call an exorcist to cleanse your soul after staring too long into Sarah Palin's eyes

g) Develop debilitating arthritis from trying to jot down notes for every time McCain stuttered, lied, twisted the facts, became vague or ambiguous, and made no sense whatsoever

h) Go punch a Republican in the face

i) Turn the channel to something that would not later be deemed a waste of 40 minutes of your life

j) Ask a friend to repeatedly box your ears so you would never have to hear John McCain speak...ever again

k) Take an entire bottle of sleeping pills in the hopes that you would wake up and this will all have been a terrible nightmare

l) Go completely insane and get bussed to an asylum where you are now undergoing shock therapy

m) Run to donate large sums of money to your local senior citizens' nursing home

n) Pledge your life in a blood oath to keep the McCain/Palin ream-team out of the White House

o) Do anything and everything possible with the intention of not seeing the celebration at the conclusion of the Republican National Convention, by any means necessary and no matter what it took, even if it took injuring yourself, others, or setting your own house on fire

...Then you would have missed the song "Barracuda," by Heart, playing in the background as Gov. Sarah Palin and her cohorts took the stage for the theatrical (and stupid) balloon drop finale. The song was chosen in (dis)honor of Palin, who was apparently called "Sarah Barracuda" or "Barracuda Sarah" or some other ridiculous combination of those two words, when she played basketball in High School.

First, let me remind Mrs. Palin, as well as the general public, that she is 44-years-old. When I played basketball in high school, they called me "Silky." Somehow, I feel that is now an inappropriate nickname. In fact, I have to say that most nicknames are inappropriate when you enter in a race TO RUN THE FREAKING COUNTRY. I could really care less what the cool kids called her when she was sixteen, starting her period and discovering boys!

I heard more about this ludicrous "Barracuda" reference, than what the Republican Vice Presidential nominee plans to do if (oh, please no, for the love of God, no!) elected into office.

I personally love Heart, and I was almost more offended by the use (or should I say piracy) of their classic song, than the dozens of distasteful quips and low-brow remarks that were made during Palin's acceptance speech the night before.

And apparently, so was Heart:

"The sister act behind "Barracuda," the song used by the McCain-Palin campaign at the RNC because Palin's old nickname was "Sarah Barracuda," is none too pleased that their pro-woman anthem is being used in this way. Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart sent a cease and desist letter to the McCain campaign, and since they continued to use the song, Nancy Wilson sent an angry letter to Entertainment Weekly, tearing Sarah Barracuda a new one. "I feel completely f*cked over," said Nancy Wilson, before releasing the following statement: "Sarah Palin's views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women. We ask that our song 'Barracuda' no longer be used to promote her image. The song 'Barracuda' was written in the late 70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women. (The 'barracuda' represented the music business.) While Heart did not and would not authorize the use of their song at the RNC, there's irony in Republican strategists' choice to make use of it there."

Thank you, Ann and Nancy, for challenging 'the maverick reformers," who are apparently too consumed with themselves to respect ownership and licensing rights.

Another beautiful touch of irony, however, is that although Heart has not so subtley requested that their song not be exploited by the Repugs, the lyrics fit just about perfectly with the right-wing campaign:

"You're lying so low in the weeds
I bet you're gonna ambush me
You'd have me down, down, down, down on my knees
Now wouldn't you, Barracuda?
If real thing don't do the trick,
No, you better make up something quick
You gonna burn, burn, burn, burn, burn it to the wick
Ahh, Barra- barracuda!"

Stick to caribou, Sarah, you still aren't Hillary, and even Heart doesn't heart you!


Ahhhhhh! She's gonna eat us all!!! Please don't let me become an ingredient in moose stew!!

Barra-Barracuda!!!!

Things that made me smile today...

You have to love this, there's just no other choice.

Barack the vote America!

Next up, remembering how much I loved 'My December.' Clive Davis is a jackass. And angry music is better than any music I know, that way I can be bitter vicariously through someone else.

Yes, I'll admit it...I love Kelly Clarkson. Okay, glad I got that out of my system. We won't mention it again.

Ah, another great story about the classy side of Miami. It must be the humidity. Actually, apparently it must be the marijuana...

"Anyone who grew up in the suburbs knows that the mall parking lot is the perfect place to meet your dealer and pick up a dime bag (maybe we're revealing too much). But you never think that the weed may actually be coming from the mall.

Things are a bit different in Miami, though, now that cops have discovered a hydroponic marijuana nursery hidden in a Mall of the Americas' storeroom. By tapping into the building's power supply, growers were able to hook up enough grow lights to cultivate over 200 budding plants. Authorities say the crude wiring could have caused a fire, but they haven't made any arrests and aren't revealing how they discovered the doobage.

"That's bad. I don't want my kids around that. Bro, that's a first," said eloquent shopper Fonsy Martinez. We're with you, Fonz.

While police are presumably investigating mall employees and maintenance workers, we've got our eye on the owner of the food court Chick-fil-A. He clearly reaps the benefits when there's a mall-wide outbreak of the munchies."

Thank you, Miami. Thank you for continuing to make me smile...in shame.


I don't even really drink Coca-Cola without rum or Johnny Walker, but it still makes me happy. Just thinking about those polar bears, come on, when I was a kid I wanted to move the arctic (my mom said no). Although my sister is always careful to remind me that "they originally made it with cocaine, that's why it's called Coke." I know, I know...they definitely should have stuck with the first recipe. At any rate, go design your own bottle at http://www.coca-cola.com/.

Phoenix

That's mine. Good times.

Amazing what a flat iron and orthodontics can do. Chelsea Clinton, I know I'm a little late, but congratulations on making it through puberty, becoming quasi-hot, and getting some hot European ass. I commend you, as well as Bill Clinton's genepool.



Last but not least, although the thought of actually consuming these (without being on drugs) makes me physically ill, I can't help but appreciate the idea.

The Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger

Served exclusively at the Google NYC cafeteria.

Burger King's The Burger

Only sold in one West London restaurant, this $400 burger is made of Wagyu beef, white truffles, Pata Negra ham slices, Cristal onion straws, Modena balsamic vinegar, pink Himalayan rock salt, organic white wine and shallot infused mayonnaise and served on an Iranian saffron and white truffle dusted bun.



And, goodnight.