Friday, August 22, 2008

Why Margaret Cho is My Hero(ine)...

Margaret Cho was recently on an episode of Chelsea Lately (my obsession), and talked about her new show The Cho Show, airing on vH1. While doing so she made me literally laugh outloud and spew juice out of my nose and onto my dog. The following statements are merely highlights, but seriously, my nose still hurts and my dog has been giving me the stink eye for an hour...



On Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan: "I'd like to guest star in that bed! I hope Ronson's a really butch top, and oooh I hope she's bossy...But I don't really like threesomes because they make me feel like a competitive eater."


On The Cho Show: "...Did I mention I'm naked in every episode? No, seriously."


On her parents: "Well my parents were kind of nervous about being on the show. Because at first they thought they were getting Punk'd. But you have to understand, in Korea getting Punk'd means getting taken out to a field and being shot in the head."


On doing a reality show: "Well it's a reality show, but it's scripted...so it's like the Hills, but we have eyes."



WATCH HER SHOW!..that's really all I can say, I have to go clean up juice.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Phelps Diet.

If you're looking for the next diet craze...











Don't look here.





Olympic Gold Medalist Swimmer Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day, more than the average person should eat in an entire week. And a typical day looks like this:





Breakfast: Three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise. Two cups of coffee. One five-egg omelet. One bowl of grits. Three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar. Three chocolate-chip pancakes.





Lunch: One pound of enriched pasta. Two large ham and cheese sandwiches with mayo on white bread. Energy drinks packing 1,000 calories.






Dinner: One pound of pasta. An entire pizza. More energy drinks.









Mmmm. Chocolate-chip pancakes. I might take up swimming...or just get fat.


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Great News!

Even I can't find any sarcastic or cynical way to comment on this story. Besides the fact that I had to read the article 3 times to completely understand it, this is just awesome news in AIDS research:




"Woman May Hold Secret to AIDS Vaccine By Maggie Fox, Reuters

A woman who has never shown symptoms of infection with the AIDS virus may hold the secret to defeating the virus, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.

Infected at least 10 years ago by her husband, the woman is able somehow to naturally control the deadly and incurable virus -- even though her husband must take cocktails of strong HIV drugs to control his.

She is a so-called "elite suppressor," and studies of her immune cells have begun to offer clues to how her body does it, the team at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore said.

"This is the best evidence to date that elite suppressors can have fully pathogenic virus," said Dr. Joel Blankson, who led the study.
"The feeling was initially that they had defective virus," Blankson added in a telephone interview.

But the couple has been monogamous for at least 17 years, Blankson said, and tests show they are infected with the same strain of virus. What is different is the immune system of the wife, who cannot be named for privacy reasons.
"That's a good sign in terms of developing a therapeutic vaccine," Blankson said. Such a vaccine would not prevent infection but might be used to treat patients.

The AIDS virus infects at least 33 million people globally and more than a million in the United States. It has killed 25 million people since it was identified in the early 1980s.

New figures show 56,000 people are infected every year in the United states, mostly gay and bisexual men but also injecting drug users and their sexual partners, both male and female, as well as newborns and recipients of contaminated blood transfusions.

Both the man and the woman, who are from Baltimore, were diagnosed 10 years ago, Blankson said. The husband is a former injecting drug user.
Tests showed that immune cells known as CD8 T-cells from the wife stalled HIV replication by as much as 90 percent, while the husband's T-cells stopped it by only 30 percent, Blankson's team reported in the Journal of Virology.

Her virus has also mutated in apparent response to this immune attack, becoming weaker, while her husband's virus has remained strong.
"Elite suppression offers clues to vaccine researchers on many fronts: how CD8 killer T-cells can attack HIV and how a stronger immune response can force HIV into a permanent defensive state," Blankson said.

"We are trying to figure out exactly how the T-cells work in her to inhibit viral replication," he added. "We are just trying to see what kind of cytokines they make."

Cytokines are immune system signaling proteins. One thing the researchers have noticed is that while the husband's T-cells make just one, called gamma interferon, hers made both that one and another called TNF, or tumor necrosis factor.
That cannot be the whole story, though, because AIDS researchers have tried using such immune system proteins in patients and they did not work well.

And her immune cells seem to make the response only when they encounter the virus.
Another clue: the woman may have unusual activity in her human leukocyte antigen system, or HLA, Blankson said. This important component of the immune system helps recognize antigens -- protein identifiers -- of enemies such as bacteria and viruses.

Copyright 2008, Reuters"



The human body is freaking AMAZING. For the full article go here:


http://news.aol.com/health/article/woman-may-hold-secret-to-aids-vaccine/130997?icid=200100397x1207710705x1200404350

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

9-0-2-1-NO!

Holy crap America, the CW network is bringing back Beverly Hills, 90210! But, it's newer, hipper, more provocative! They even took the "Beverly Hills" out of the title! Why? Because we should just know! That's how hot it is!

Wait a second...

Is anyone else completely unexcited!!?

I thought so.



At this point I have to seriously ask. Do mid-pubescent, pretentious, morally irresponsible, upper-middle class teenagers with dysfunctional families live anywhere outside the state of California? Or is the weather just better there? Thank you Gossip Girl for expanding the geographic spectrum of rich kids gone bad, but if I have to watch another coming-of-age-with-my-trust fund drama, I might throw a hammer through my TV screen.

Hey, we get it, you're wealthy and you still have problems. Your parents aren't home, they buy your affection. Money won't bring you happiness, blah, blah, blah. It's like listening to an album of remixes to the same song. Are they just running out of ideas?

The only aspect of this revamped teenage debacle that elated me, was that Tori Spelling got the boot. If you have watched even five minutes of her reality show, you would agree that the world has had enough.



"At this time, there are no plans for Tori to appear in the 90210 spinoff," her rep told US Weekly. Apparently, Spelling aka Donna Summer pulled out after learning that co-stars Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty were earning $35,000-$50,000 per episode, while she was only earning $10,000-$20,000. Perhaps the disparity in the paydays has something to to with the fact that NO ONE likes Tori Spelling! But that's purely speculation on my part.


At any rate, I've taken the liberty of assembling a list of ingredients, if you will, that I require in order for me to take an iota of interest in this doomed reincarnation a la "Saved By the Bell: The New Class."


In no particular order:


More than one African American person (it may be Beverly Hills, but I'm sure there are at least 2).


An Asian person (please see above).


Any other minority whatsoever (just to reiterate my point).


A lesbian that last more than 3 episodes without dropping out of school

and/or

A gay male who we aren't forced to watch not make the football team because uh oh, they find out he's gay.


Basically, all I ask is for a little more representation, I can only watch so many hours of white boys with bad haircuts driving nice cars and fighting over the same girls.


CW, I appreciate you for you plethora of MILFs, the exile of Tori Spelling, as well as the return of my beloved Shannen Doherty. But if you do not surpass my dire expectations, I just might have to write a letter...or think really, really hard about writing a letter. Okay, fine, I just won't watch the show. But you've been warned!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Rosemary's...I mean, Clay Aiken's Baby..

I completely recovered from the absurdity that not only was Clay Aiken planning to breed (articially, of course) with a 40-something record producer, but he was also still claiming to be straight.


But by far the most unsettling result is that his son was born at 8:08am on 8/08/08...if this "family" doesn't need an exorcism soon, I'll faint in disbelief.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Great Ad...what are we protesting again?

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard met controversy just days before the opening ceremonies in China because of her naked PETA campaign poster. The gold medalists' anti-fur campaign poster was banned from inside the Athlete's Village, the unveiling canceled for "safety concerns." I'm not quite sure for whose safety they were concerned, but apparently in China naked=bad, communism=good. Violation of civil liberties is completely acceptable, but don't you dare tread into their country without bottoms on, especially if you are suggesting they not slaughter animals for fashion, sport, or something loaded with MSG.








PETA ads, always known for being provocative and literally eye-popping (I had to shove one of mine back in the socket a few times) have always demanded attention. I love animals, and completely understand the fight for animal rights, but I'm definitely not giving up Chicken Wing Wednesday at Flanagan's. Regardless of your carnivorous status, you have to at least pay a little homage to the beauty that is "I'd rather go naked than wear fur."







But somehow, I don't think this next one is getting the point across. Hmmm, let's display a naked woman as literally "a piece of meat." Great idea marketing department! And men everywhere collectively pick their tongues up off the floor.



You have to admit though, the slogans are just a little short of genius.


Could it be the genuine simplicity? Or the naked Hugo Boss models...


At any rate, China, get over yourself. PETA, keep making naked fashionable (though I'm not sure when it wasn't), and fighting for the cute, cuddly, defenseless and/or ferocious. I won't wear fur, or lipstick tested on baby seals, or ivory from dead elephant tusks. However, I'm not giving up filet mignon. Beggars can't be choosers, after all.


And thank you, Ms. Basinger, for this small side note to whoever stole my favorite jacket from the club last year. Listen up, jacket thief: "Someone Else's Coat" means humans too. When you're ready, I'd like it back, much appreciated.

A Poetic Rant for a Change...

The natural inclination after a long, stressful day (especially one involving lack of sleep, hostile confrontation and/or menstruation) is to uncork one of these:


Today, however, I decided to take the high road, go for a long walk, and then get drunk on words (which, essentially is not nearly as fun, but causes me to behave). So, in a welcome retreat from the usual, my poetic rant:


There is this disconnect between thoughts and actions, the wires get tangled, crossed or erode away in dusty crevices inside thick walls. Futile attempts leave sweaty brows and broken spirits beyond a barrier not easily surpassed. I stroll the sidewalks, side-stepping reason and rationale hidden between the cracks, dodging the dawn. Sunlight is not illumination, but the passage of time, slowly winding, rotating; a living creature drawing stolen breaths of life. We oblige the burglary of spirit, suffocating character with the exhalation of harsh words, noxious waste like the second-hand air. Slamming doors without latching the locks or turning keys, only fooling the night and its implications. Don't be daft and detrimental, blindly bandaging self-inflicted wounds, fingertips running across silent scars. We exist in the gray hues of black and white life, believing in dichotomy, imagining colors on the convex surface of the lens. The audience is subjective if aware at all, if present at least. But the show continues, curtain open wide, the monologues echoing acoustic. Try to repair the cables and leads, walking in the darkness until it stretches into day. Knock-knock-knock at the closed doors until there is an answer; sweet fluidity coursing through veins and into hearts. Listen, focus, dream reality in the gaps of doubt and uncertainty. Reconnect.


Re-enactment of me after my rant:





And for sh*ts and giggles, I came across The Cattleman Stress Test. Please observe the picture below and then continue reading for your stress diag-nonsense.

  • Above is a photograph taken of two dolphins
  • The dolphins appear to be nearly identical when viewed by stress-free individuals. The test is not sufficiently accurate to detect mild stress differentials, but is very accurate on individuals with higher stress-levels.
  • Deviations in appearance between the 2 dolphins are indicators of potential stress-related problems and the deviations, if any, may also indicate the source of stress.
  • If you experience significant deviations, you may want to consider taking things a little easier...